Unraveling the Truth About Power & Masculinity

Hello friends!

This week, I planned to share with you the distinction Cori gave me about her “energy” or “flow” and how it’s different from mine. It’s coming, but first, I must tell you a slightly different and related story about my relationship with power.

Click to listen (10 minutes)

Sit with whatever came up for a second…

Ok, now a little bit longer…

What was your reaction to seeing that word? Maybe it was a thought, a visualization, or a feeling.

Now, gently hold on to that with the curiosity of a child while I tell you a story about what came up for me and how that’s completely transformed over the last several months.

My Relationship to Power

Until now, my reaction to that word has been disgust and rejection. Candidly, I would get a little nauseous upon seeing or hearing it. Clearly, my body was reacting to something I had stored away.

I also noticed an interesting pattern in my behaviors and became more curious...

Anytime I came into some “power,” for example, as a manager or leader at work, playing sports, in a relationship, or even just going about my day, I’d try to get rid of it.

I was intentionally cutting myself off from embracing my power.

Telling people what I’m good at? Nope. They’ll think I’m arrogant.

Sharing my mental, emotional, or physical needs with a partner? Nope. That might come across as domineering.

Getting a big promotion and opportunity to fly higher? Nope. Stay under the radar.

Those are just a few areas where it’s shown up in my life.

But why had I created mental and emotional associations with the idea of power being bad?

The answer: my personal experience and reference data.

Some examples of reference data are public figures who take advantage of the people they influence, like some politicians, stories of people who hold power over their partner in their relationship, the corrupt kind of power we hear about in the news, or even stories of suicide when people who gain power completely lose who they are.

I don’t want to be like them; the story I told myself was that power was the common thread.

Here are some examples of personal experience: I abused my power as an early manager, which led to damaged relationships and years of personal guilt and shame. Or when I abused my power and influence to get someone fired.

As much as I wanted to unleash my power and capabilities for good, I was afraid I’d come to join all the people who did the same, only to abuse it.

Changing My Relationship with Power

Then, something strange started happening after my coach helped me see this pattern, and we worked through this block I had created between me and my power.

Slowly, my relationship with power shifted from fear and disgust to one of responsibility.

From this place, I knew I would channel a different kind of power than the power I was familiar with.

As my relationship with power transformed, new opportunities presented themselves in interesting ways because I was now open to new possibilities that I had blocked off.

Including a synchronous intervention during my men’s group session this week.

Oracle cards?

We always start the monthly sessions with check-ins where each man shares what’s happening in various aspects of their life.

After our initial check-ins, we discussed the themes that emerged, like being overwhelmed, finding a groove, pursuing personal passions, and trusting the process when all feels lost.

Then, we unexpectedly took a spiritual path.

One of the guys shared about his recent experience having “Oracle Cards” pulled for him, and we decided to experiment and see what happens. The process involves taking a card from a shuffled deck. He acted as our guide, randomly pulling each of us a card from the deck.

This was my card…

No one except my wife and coach knows the story I shared above.

After he turned the card and read the description, he asked, “Do you have anything you want to share? Does this resonate with you?”

I shared my struggle with power and then explained my vision for Full Power Men. I want to empower as many men as possible to learn what it means to be at their Full Power, to shed the traditional view of masculinity and success, and to embrace a new paradigm that is collaborative, generative, and sustainable.

Best yet, it will allow them to show up as their full, authentic selves to contribute their unique gifts and superpowers to a world that desperately needs them.

Different types of power

Nudges have continued to urge me to lean in and explore this world of power, specifically for men. One of those came via email after our men’s group, where I learned of the distinction between different types of power that originate from the fields of social sciences, political science, and feminist theory: Power Over, Power With, and Power To.

Power Over “is a traditional view of power where it is seen as a form of dominance and control by one party over another. This concept is often associated with Max Weber, a German sociologist, who defined power as the ability of an individual or group to achieve their own will in a social action, even against the resistance of others.”

Power With “focuses on collective strength and empowerment from collaboration and solidarity among individuals or groups. It is often discussed in the context of community organizing and social movements. The idea is that power is not a zero-sum game but can be expanded through the collaboration and partnership of people working together towards common goals. This concept is central to feminist and participatory approaches to power.”

Power To “refers to the capacity of individuals or groups to bring about change. It is the empowerment aspect of power, where people have the means, ability, or agency to achieve desired outcomes. This concept is often associated with the capability approach, influenced by scholars like Amartya Sen and Martha Nussbaum, who focus on what individuals can do or be.”

As it turns out, some incredible women have been exploring this concept recently. Including one of my heroes, Brené Brown, and leaders like Gloria Feldt.

What stood out to me is the close negative association between Power Over and men!

First, this is completely fair. Men historically are the worst abusers of power. There’s no denying that.

Men like me were raised in a society that idolized and celebrated the power-over model for centuries. That was how you became successful: you took power over others.

Well, that doesn’t work for me, and it’s likely not working for you.

It’s time to shift this narrative, and I plan to do it by empowering more men to learn what their Full Power means because it’s not what we’ve been taught.

We must evolve.

Parting thoughts

This piece was a lot about me, but I wanted to tell you my story so that it might pique your curiosity about your association with power.

Because the world needs you at full power, and I want to help you unleash it.

By the way, if you haven’t already, you can let go of those feelings you had at the beginning. If you feel compelled, hit reply and tell me what came up for you.

I’m in full learning and exploration mode, and I value your perspective.

More soon.

In love and power,

Adam

PS - I’m enjoying these longer posts, but it’s too much to publish one every other day and likely too much for you to consume. I’m also yearning to share more of my “quick insights.” Given that, I might be moving to a weekly cadence in the newsletter that summarizes the key themes of the week and links to longer posts, podcast episodes, and new short-form content on some combination of Twitter/Instagram/TikTok. Yes, I said it, TikTok. Stay tuned for the next turn in the journey.